Drama Queens Review

Gerry: Ok I know I said you should start because you are the expert on Twilight but I’d just like to say that of the three films in this series I have seen I liked this one the best… probably because it had the most ‘action’.

Elaine: Well, are you sure it isn’t another kind of action you have in mind? I did think I might have to reach for the smelling salts to revive you at the point where Jacob revealed his six pack.

Gerry: I have always been a sucker for a six pack of any kind (beer, crisps, muscles) but as you know in this series I have never been able to understand why Bella would choose (o pooh senior moment- forgot his name – is it Jedward?) over Jacob. Apart from anything else the werewolves have a lovely healthy outdoor life style and she has always seemed to me someone who needs a good meal and a strong dose of fresh air and exercise.

Elaine: Agreed, she’s hardly Zena Warrior Princess or Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She’s spent most of the movies moving and gazing robotically like a teen Stepford. Interesting that in this latest, last part that it’s only when she’s ‘turned’ and become a vampire mum that she springs into action (in and out of bed).

(ps. Gerry, I do think it was thoughtful of the producers to cater for our menopausal memories by providing the flashback sequence at the end so we could remember what we’d seen before. Reminded me of how much better Jedward’s eyebrows were in the first movie, which is where I fell for the Pattinson vampire look. These days he could really do with my tweezers, that’s if I could remember where I last put them).

Gerry: Yes but there is action and action. What on earth is the business about arm wrestling and breaking rocks with her bare hands? And if you ask me she doesn’t actually show all that much interest in poor little Resumé.

I think perhaps we miss the point with Bella due to our ages. I can see how her moodiness and introversion reflects how a lot of teenagers feel (‘no one understands me – and in particular no one understands that underneath my sulks I am a uniquely special person’). So of course she falls for the ‘older (dead) man’ who does recognise her ‘specialness’. On this point it further worries me how once she is ‘turned’ she seems pleased not to have to eat or sleep any more- all a bit suggestive of teen eating disorders (the ‘become a vampire diet’?) . She’s excited that this leaves more time for sex with Jedward but give it a few of hundred years and she’ll be longing for a tiramisu and an early night.

I also think there is something very creepy about Jedward – over a hundred years old and still not grown up. And in this last film the business with Jacob imprinting on Resumé is even more creepy. Although early on he indicates to Bella ‘it’s not like that’ (sexual) at the end there is a strong implication that he will have a relationship with her when she grows up, which, we are told, will be in seven years time. So he is going to cop off with a seven year old? Ok even if she does mature very quickly this still makes my flesh crawl in a way that all the ripping off of heads in the ‘battle scene’ did not.

Elaine: Ok, but I do see how in the first movie Bella’s falling for Jedward works to deliver a classic teen romance: girl gets boy/man of her dreams, but does not have sex with him. Seeing Twilight did make me think that the vampire attraction (or, in your terms, ‘older/dead man’ attraction) was a means to deliver a strong, moral message to a younger audience: romance but no sex (especially not at the wrong time of the month).

As to imprinting…. hhmm… that always makes me think of potato-printing pictures in primary school. Though may be that doesn’t help at all to allay your concern about the creepiness regarding the future you predict for Jacob and Resumé, rather the opposite in fact. Though I do rather warm to the idea that Jacob is in some way rewarded for having to play gooseberry across all 5 films. And I did feel for the wolf pack when in the battle scene a number were taken out along with key vampire figures like Carlisle. Quite a spectacular bit of head ripping off, worthy of the makers of the Saw films – well almost.

Gerry: As you know I got quite excited when Carlisle got his head ripped off – perhaps because I haven’t seen all the films and so never really got the point of his character. And I have always hated his hair, although of course that is no reason to rip his head off- a trip to the hairdresser would have sorted it just as well. On this point, I thought the Revolturini have much better style… and I especially like Michael Sheen: great hair, classy clothes, lovely mad smile…sweetly psychopathic personality.

I thought it was a brave move on the part of the film to kill off some major characters and was very disappointed when it turned out to be just a ‘vision’. But for me the really ‘inexcusable’ scene was the one at the end with Bella and Jedward amongst the flowers. It wasn’t the content so much as the cinematography – visually it reminded me of cheap calendars. And again where was Resumé ? I tell you, they neglect that child!

Elaine: If we are reduced to talking hair, then Alice gets my vote in this last movie. She gets my vote anyway in terms of a better role model for young, female viewers: sensible, sensitive, smart, endowed with the gift of seeing into the future, but above all altruistic, and the female ‘key’ to stopping an apocalyptic fall-out. If the producers ever want a future series (and I wouldn’t, despite the ‘cheap calendar’ closure, put it past them), Alice might be the way to go.

Gerry: Reduced to talking hair? What do you mean ‘reduced’? As you know in times of stress it’s my major preoccupation. I once taught a feminist theatre course where most weeks we started off by chatting about hair. By the end we might not have sorted the world but by gum did we know our shampoos. So I go with Alice too – nice pixie cut

Happy Xmas from the Drama Queens, not yet, despite the jokes, in our ‘twilight years’, and very much looking forward to good nights out together in 2013.
Elaine & Gerry